Clear out the Haze

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It’s the purple sky which brings back the blues. And when the blue starts to turn black, all you need is a moment of quiet and a few deep breaths (or a mosquito) and the blue starts to metamorphose into different shades of delicious ambiguity.”
27-11-13
The soft bed, the white satin covers, the large window presenting the view of the beautiful city I was in and the artificial fragrance to hide the nauseating smell did little to comfort me while I was at that place which had now become my second home. Like before, I didn’t remember being brought here, no blue sirens, no skipping the signals, the worried faces hovering above me- nothing at all. All I remember is waking up at that familiar place all alone. On my bedside was lying a yellow , actually not yellow but a ‘lemonish’ piece of paper scribbled on which was “see you at night, love Pa”. The realisation of what might have happened dawned upon me. A confirmation was provided by the lady clad in white who came in to serve me my meals. She didn’t stay with me. She wasn’t even supposed to or was she? Well she could have , I wouldn’t have minded.
I like drinking coffee alone and reading alone. I like riding the bus alone and walking home alone. It gives me time to think and set my mind free. I like eating alone and listening to music alone. But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely. The sky is beautiful, but the people are sad. I just need someone who won’t run away.
I put the plate away on one side and searched for my cell phone. I contemplated for a while on whether to call her or not. The last night’s events started replaying in my head. My mind filled up with all sort of questions such as “Why could she not tolerate a few harsh words? Does she not love me and my brother enough to stay? ” To put an end to all these queries popping up in my mind, I called her up. It went to her voice mail. I left a message and waited . Hours passed but she didn’t call back and I lost hope. I didn’t have a book with me nor did I have a single soul near. My cell phone beeped. My hopes surged. It was Pa. “I’m sorry dear. I’m stuck and may not be able to make it. Take care.” 3 sentences, 17 words and the call ended. I didn’t let a single tear crawl out. I told myself I was used to this.
I texted a friend. I wanted to call him up but refrained. A single word out of my mouth and started would have a stream of salt drops out of my eyes down my cheeks. He replied almost immediately. In spite of me being the one who texted , I didn’t talk much.
I changed the profile to ‘silent’ and kept my blackberry on the side round table. I got down from my bed and stood up. A head rush but the moment passed. I went to stand by the window.
I was at the very place which sucked the life out of my most prized possession 7 years ago- My grandpa. I clearly remembered every occurrence of those 14 dreadful days and could feel all the old emotions as if it had happened yesterday. I wasn’t allowed to visit him in his final days. I wasn’t even allowed to bid my final goodbyes.
He breathed his last breath on this place. I may too. And I wouldn’t mind leaving forever from this place. I scanned the sky for the moon. It was hidden somewhere behind the infinite skies. I tried looking for the stars. The eyes refused to see what they wished to.
My eyes fell upon the shiny glass bottles lying beside my blackberry. The white capsules in particular caught my attention. They were supposed to help me sleep but I very well knew a few pills and that would be all. I thought of the sharp steel which laid somewhere hidden and glistening. My relationship with it was what drove her away. I suddenly felt tired. Tired from waking up every morning , going to the same place . meeting the same people , wearing the same fake smile over and over again. Tired from the effort of trying to make people believe that I was the chirpiest person alive. Tired from waking up every morning and hoping she would return. Tired from believing that everything would go back to the way it was. Tired from living the life I’d been living. I wanted rest and to rest, I had to end it all. I pushed the window open and a gush of cold air rushed in. I didn’t cringe away. I reached for the white end . Held it in one hand and a glass of water in the other which would help me gulp it down. I spared one last glance outside the window. The city was blurred and I could see nothing but white. I don’t know whether it were the tears in my eyes or was it the mist which contributed towards the haze in front of me. I didn’t really give it much thought then. I brought the pills near my mouth when suddenly I heard the humming of a mosquito. I was shocked to hear that as that wasn’t the time of the year when mosquitoes were a common sight.
It was probably the lone survivor, the fighter which had decided not to hibernate but experience and enjoy the wonders winter brings along with it. The frosty mornings, red leaves, black coats, fawn jackets and pretty scarves ( The girl inside me is out), the barren beautiful trees, apples and carrots, hot stews , bonfires and long hot showers, books, quilts and hot chocolate and fog, the haze-uncertainty.
My train of thoughts started from haze and ended on haze. I threw the pills from my hand , gulped down the anxiety with water and slept a sound sleep.
A moment of uncertainty and an Eternal Spring.